A statement.

Trigger warning for discussion of mental health issues.
I’m going to speak plainly and be straightforward, because that is who I am.

So depression and suicidal ideation are some things I’ve struggled with all my life, something I’d later realize was related to ADHD which went undiagnosed for my formative years, and I’ve been struggling with it pretty bad these past few months following an interruption in non-art related work, accompanied with.. Well, disappointment is too faint a word for how I felt about some people I put my trust into, incorrectly believing them to be honest and reliable.

It all culminated into a moment where I had to tell people, government people, that I needed an income and therapy, or I’d probably just “cut my losses” as it were, because I was just too tired and despondent to continue regardless of how much it might hurt those close to me. I’ve always believed everyone’s life is one’s own to live, or not, as they see fit. I’ve had loved ones who wanted to depart, who have tried to depart, who chose to depart, and I don’t resent them for it.

Said government people have, hopefully, followed through and I ought to have some therapy and income coming March. The work isn’t ideal, it’s boring, in a large noisy space with other people who have issues of their own,work conditions are unusually rigid, provisions are minimal. But I’m trying to stay focused on the positive; financial security and the fact that, since everyone has their own issues to contend with, they seem more willing to give others the benefit of the doubt as well.

I completed a two week trial and they’re not sure why I’m there. It’s weird to be the most composed person in the group for once, at least on the outside. Having ADHD-Primarily Inattentive, especially undiagnosed, means you’ve learned to at least try to hide every expression of your ceaseless erratic thoughts and urges because people are always, ALWAYS on your case about any deviation from the norm in either your thoughts or behavior, no matter how innocent and harmless.

It’s ironic that some people have said I am a calming presence to be around, when I feel anything but. And having had a rough start in life, I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, even now, I’m always on edge. There are other factors that exacerbate my state of mind as well, things I’m not going to go into detail about right now. Things that could be, should be, resolved once I have financial security and some peace of mind. But in the meantime, I’m just really tired.

I’m merely making this statement for the people who have been asking, but whom I haven’t answered. There’s too many of you to repeat it so often, and too many questions when I speak to people individually. I’m grateful for the people care enough to ask, and are gracious enough to be content with what little information I’ve given them. Sadly there’s very little people can do for me right now, I need structural solutions individuals can’t provide.

And hopefully, hopefully, I’ll get some in March.

In the meantime? We’re barely scraping by. To skip to simple, factual information about the near future; I have a bunch of commissions I’m working on, they will be finished as time and energy levels permit. I expect the lion’s share will be finished by spring. Customers can contact me anytime with questions. After I get my contract begin March, I’ll close commissions for the foreseeable future, at least 6 months, likely more.

I can still accept a few before then, to help us tide us over, financially, if people are content to wait for them to be finished. Failing that, if people have a few bucks they can afford to send our way and are kind enough to share, I have a ko-fi at https://ko-fi.com/thaily